You’ve seen what the best ten movies from the year 2017 were ( unless you’ve been skipping blog posts you little scamps!), now get ready for the definitive bottom ten films of the year list. A place of darkness and sorrow, but mostly boredom – a whole lot of boredom. Before we dive head first into the metaphorical turd pile, I must first make the disclaimer – I never watched the Emoji Movie. Onwards!
In at number ten the most pretentious movie of the year. Interestingly I really rather enjoyed the first 40 minutes or so, however there is a point to which my patience ran out for Aronofsky’s nonsense. It’s not that I didn’t “get” the movie like the director has so arrogantly claimed is the only reason anyone would dislike the film – it’s subtext is extremely obvious – it’s thay the film is just a bit silly and boring.
- Death Note
Based on the extremely interesting and entertaining Anime series. Netflix here have entirely missed out everything that worked for the series, in favour of some cool visuals. Casting decisions aside, what was quite intellectually intense, and thrilling is now a sort of drab teen movie with a slight supernatural twist. Disappointing.
An interesting turn for the 8th place spot on the list now where I include something that isn’t actually a film, but a play that thinks because it’s shown at the cinema thus becomes a film. It may well be a good play, but just setting up a camera outside a backyard watching Denzel monologue the audience to sleep does not a cinematic sensation create. It also doesn’t help that Denzel’s character is utterly vile and detestable.
- Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge
Make them stop. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that 3 pirates of the Caribbean movies was probably a few too many, let alone 5. Johnny Depp just looks sad and old now, giving a performance that made me question whether I ever enjoyed a pirates movie. At least the music is still good.
What ever happened to the Mconaughsance (am I spelling that right?) Dallas Buyers Club seems so far away now. When it comes to Gold, let me just say that I’d rather watch Ghosts of Girlfriends Past on a loop for two days – I actually quite like Ghosts of Girlfriends Past but you get the point.
- Justice League
If you thought that DC studios were going to look at how much people loved Wonder Woman and despised Suicide Squad and Batman v Superman, then making a film accordingly you’d be damn wrong. Justice League is one of the least competently constructed movies I have ever seen. Editing like this is the stuff of nightmares. For sure Gal Gadot is a terrific Wonder Woman, Jason Momoa is perfectly cast as Aquaman, but the script is just so dire that the cast is rendered essentially useless. I cannot stress enough that this is probably the worst movie it is physically possible to make with an A-list cast and upwards of $300 million.
- Assassin’s Creed
2017 was not a good year for Fassbender. And this was his worst offering of them all. There’s really not much to say about it.
- xXx: Return of Xander Cage
The narcissism involved in Vin Diesel’s character writing in this, the third xXx movie, is genuinely stomach curdling. Diesel has himself as a literal god figure that can perform any physical task whilst having every single female near him instantly give themselves up to him. Contrast to real life where Diesel is just an Aldi’s own Dwayne Johnson.
- The Mummy
I had a real dilemma with these final two entries, because the Mummy was probably my least favourite movie of the year. But the film at the bottom spot is without a doubt the ‘worst’ film release din 2017. What is it that made me despise the Mummy so much you might wonder? Is it Russel Crowe’s ‘cockney’ accent? Could it be Tom Cruise – a 55-year-old lizard man – pretending he’s a 26-year-old Indiana Jones type? Or could it be that this version of the Mummy’s awfulness lead to what seemed like the entire internet population deciding that the abysmal Brendan Fraser Mummy films were classics that needed to be protected? I’m going to stop now because I could go on all day, and you’ve probably got the gist of what I was saying.
I have no bad feelings toward Geostorm. It’s just honestly the worst movie that 2017 had to offer. On every level something was wrong with Geostorm, but you know what it tried. There’s nothing cynical about Geostorm. It’s not a cash in, or a remake. It’s just a purebred stinker and you know what I admire that. Somehow a movie with Ed Hills and Andy Garcia in the cast has become a b-movie of Sharknado 3 levels of absurdity. Notice how I didn’t mention Gerard Butler’s inclusion in that bit, it’s because this is exactly the kind of film you expect him to make.