xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Vin Diesel was dead (too expensive) in the second triple X movie, you know the one with Ice Cube, but now he’s not dead! And he’s back to do some things, like ski in a jungle and skateboard on the side of a bus. There is some kind of plot surrounding like a machine that makes satellites fall from the sky and kill people I think, I’m not going to lie to you I found it very difficult to focus on this movie.

 

It will come as a surprise to nobody that the third instalment of the xXx series is fucking terrible. The first one was rubbish, the second one was worse and this one is worse still. The action is dreadfully shot and the cgi is outdated, the plot is incomprehensible not due to being complex or twist laden but because nobody involved in this production can tell a story. But the film’s biggest problem is Vin himself. He’s absolutely shocking. Every single line he delivers falls completely flat, every facial expression is entirely unsuitable for the situation. Diesel has never been a talented actor, but in the past he has just been bland. The trouble is that here, unlike his most acclaimed role (Guardians of the Galaxy) he is given more than three words to say. Occasionally he is asked to deliver Bond-esque “zingers”. With Vin’s delivery these create the comic equivalent of pouring bleach in your ears. There is a running theme about how no woman can help herself around him, and honestly I think that might be the least believable plot point in this mess – a film in which the master weapon is a little box that utilises kamikaze satellites.

 

Honestly my mind clocked out a solid 15 minutes in (probably when Neymar showed up), and instead of trying to follow the worst movie I have seen in quite some time I got to thinking: I thought Vin had made it big now? Surely after being in Fast and Furious and Guardians of the Galaxy one wouldn’t need to make excrement like this anymore? What dirt do the producers have on Vin that he would be forced into this movie about a heroic American figure with hair problems that enjoys water sports? And then the X-files theme played, and I realised that this exactly the kind of film that Donald Trump would write about himself, or rather what Donald Trump’s boyfriend Putin might write about him. Xander Cage grabs women by the pussy, just took the job from a black man (Ice Cube) and sees himself as a rebellious outcast despite working for the government. His biggest opponent is Donnie Yen – a man from Hong Kong, though in Xander Trump’s mind this is probably just JYNA – but by the end he’s made friends with him. Donald Cage resents China but really he just wishes they could be friends, and in xXx 3 he does exactly that. To surmise, illuminati confirmed, xXx: return of Xander Cage is a movie made my Vladimir Putin about Donald Trump.

 

Where was I?

Oh yeah its rubbish don’t watch it.

 

0/10

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