Assassin’s Creed

Ok bear with me folks, Michael Fassbender is the child of a former member of the Assassin’s guild and witnesses said father murder his mother at an early age. He grows up to be a violent lay about, but is abducted by some science group. They say that he is descended from a long line of Assassins and so they are going to stick a metal thing in his back and transport his mind back in time to 15th century Spain into the body of one such ancestor. They do this in order to (this is where I lost track I’ll be honest) to obtain some like metal apple? Or something? I think?

 

To the surprise of nobody Assassin’s Creed is not very good. It’s not very good at all in fact. In striving to make a film about a game in which the majority of your time is spent climbing the sides of houses and jumping into hay piles Kurzel and co here have opted to do the classic make a movie about the backstory nobody cared about approach. As such there is actually very little that resembles the game at all. Most of the film takes place in the present/future and is incredibly dull. When it does eventually move to the past the film does pick up although when I say that I don’t mean it becomes good in any way. More it becomes watchable. But even then it’s continually undercut by flashbacks to Michael Fassbender doing fight moves in mid-air from the present/future.

 

Michael Fassbender bless him, tries his best with the shreds he’s been given and does create two different characters – his real self and the old Spanish Assassin he’s been mind-splanted into, trouble is there is only so much he can conjure up from this script. Elsewhere great talents like Marion Cotillard and especially Jeremy Irons are on cruise control.

 

The fight scenes are passable. There aren’t especially well choreographed or shot but Fassbender (or his stunt double) does have the proper Assassin’s creed fighting style. So that’s something I guess. Still no hay piles though.

 

2/10

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