Ryan Reynolds knows a bunch of stuff about an evil plot that will end the world (probably I can’t quite remember what said evil plot is) but he gets killed. So Gary Oldman and Tommy Lee Jones decide to transplant his memories into Kevin Costner because Costner’s just a thug who has space for this kind of thing up there. Kevin Costner, now turning into Ryan Reynolds more every day must track down a guy called the Dutchman and figure out who he really is.
Now this sounds like a terrible movie. And it is. But here’s the thing. I actually rather enjoyed myself. For sure it’s completely stupid and incoherent. It’s not well filmed and it isn’t aesthetically pleasing. And to be honest I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this because on paper (and in reality really) Criminal is an awful film. And I don’t know what it is, but I had fun. Quite a bit of fun actually.
Kevin Costner is actually quite good in the central role, and although the script gives him nothing to act with really he does his very best. And I’ve never really been a fan of Costner to be honest, but here in Criminal – probably technically one of the worst film to come out of 2016 – I found him a genuinely compelling screen presence.
It’s also worthy of note that a couple of extras in this film use worse British accents than on display in the Conjuring 2. And it’s not just that the accents are horribly poor, but also what they say. I’m pretty sure, I may have dreamt it, but one says “oi mate, that’s bang out of order” and I still can’t decide if that’s the single greatest or worst line of dialogue ever spoken or written.
Overall, I’m not sure what to tell you folks. I rather liked it and I’m not 100% sure why.