Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Paul Blart: Mall Cop’s life is not in a good place. He has been divorced after six days and his mother just got run over by a milk float, so in his depression and loneliness he attempts to cheer himself up by going on a holiday with his daughter. However when they arrive it becomes clear that something dodgy is going on, and only one person can save the day (it’s Paul Blart: Mall Cop).

On paper there are actually quite a lot of complex emotions happening in Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. You have essentially a tale of a man so cripplingly lonely he immediately starts to panic intensely when he doesn’t know the location of his daughter, and is so scared of losing her he sends her out with a ream of crazy security gadgets including mini flares and a walkie talkie set to monitor so that he can hear what is happening around her at all times. Scary stuff. Of course in the movie you don’t notice any of this, it’s only after when you think about what actually happens in the film that the core tragedy hits you.

Now you may be thinking “but hold on I thought this film was a comedy” Yeah me too. Worse still, the filmmakers thought it was as well. Unfortunately when they were creating this they forgot the key ingredient to a successful comedy. Um, funny bits. There are none. It’s not even that it has jokes that fall flat, it just doesn’t have any jokes. Honestly the funniest part of the film is thinking that someone watched this at some point and thought “you know what, this is good. I am happy distributing this.”

But I wouldn’t go as far as to say that watching it was an unpleasant experience, it wasn’t really an experience at all. I wasn’t quite bored, my body and mind just kind of shut down or rather my consciousness just went into blue screen for about 94 minutes. I have seen some empty movies but nothing has come close to this emotional, visual and, spiritual vacuum.

Overall, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is probably the second worst film I have ever seen on a technical basis (after Pudsey the Dog of course). But in a way I am inclined to give it a chance because of this. Because you know what not everybody can claim to have made the worst film ever. Now this is not to say it is my least favourite movie, because it’s really not. Because no matter how outrageously awful it is from a filmmaking perspective, at least it didn’t offend me. And because of that I can never hold it down with the likes of Unfinished Business or Get Hard. Because it’s harmless.

1/10

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