Immortals

Mickey Rourke is an evil Greek king who is in search of a special magic bow that will allow him to unleash the titans, because um, because it will help him be evil? This unleashing would lead to bad stuff happening because said titans are like good at fighting or something and so Zeus (Luke Evans) orders Henry Cavill to stop him.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “you know I wish there was a film that combined the boring parts of Clash of the Titans with a kind of lacklustre copy of the slow motion fight scenes from 300”? Well if you have, then this is the film for you. However it continues to baffle me that anyone actually liked this film at all, because honestly it just doesn’t appeal to anyone.

It manages to have slithers of things that different people will look for in a film, but then adds in something they will hate. People just looking for a stupid swords and sandals movie will be disappointed because of how much exposition dialogue there is. People looking for a film with a brain will be disappointed because this is a movie with negative brain cells – in that it actually sucks the intellect from its viewer –. People looking for a stylish 300-esque film will be disappointed because apart from one sequence towards the end the fights are all very derivative and actually more like the ones in Troy (an exceedingly boring film). People honestly just looking for a film that makes any sense will be disappointed because in all my life never have I seen so many glaring plot holes in a movie. People under a certain age will be disappointed because it has an awful lot of nasty violence (nasty as in eye-gouging and bone snapping). And you know what it’s just a big old disappointment of a film.

Mickey Rourke stars here in his worst performance to date. It would appear that not only has he not read the script, but also has no memory of what he is even meant to be doing or what he has done from scene to scene. Henry Cavill is doing a spot on impression of my neighbour’s garden fence. Luke Evans very quickly won my award for the least convincing Greek God, due to his almost complete lack in charisma, only for this award to be stolen from him by Kellan Lutz who manages to be dreadful without really saying anything. John Hurt would appear to be lost, as would Frieda Pinto.

So is there anything good about the film? Well there is one fight at the end [SPOILER ALERT] in which the charisma-less gods must fight the titans who are not big massive titan size things but are actually more like some form of zombie. And these titans when they get punched go into slow motion. Why do they do this? Not a clue mate. It makes no sense, but honestly it’s the best part of the film, because it looks kind of cool.

Overall, Immortals made me think “you know what Clash of the Titans is a great movie” It’s really not a great movie, but when sat next to Immortals you could mistake it for Citizen Kane. Immortals is dreadful.

1/10

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