Jupiter Ascending

Mila Kunis is a half-Russian toilet cleaner, who it turns out is actually a member of some intergalactic royal family. And because of this Douglas Booth hires Channing Tatum to go kill her, however in the process of this Channing falls in love with her, and also realises that if he saves her he can get wings back for him and Sean Bean. And that is the heavily simplified version of the plot.

If you are going to watch this, you first need to know that it is absolutely insane. Like properly bonkers. The story is absolutely all over the place, you would call the dialogue clunky if you were being generous and there are far too many individual plot lines to actually keep up with without a pen and paper. However, if you are ready to let all this just wash over you I think you will quite enjoy it.

There are some very good things about Jupiter Ascending. Foremost of these is the costumes. Apparently everyone in space is perpetually overdressed, whether it’s the gold plated skin tight leather space suits, or the emperor Ming capes Eddie Redmayne sports the costumes really are something to behold. The CGI is very good, and the big space battle sequences are pretty impressive. All the worlds and space gadgets and ships have all been designed with real care and precision (if only they had given the script the same amount of care).

I also forgot to mention that within all the ridiculous plot lines, Channing Tatum is half wolf. And so has strange elf ears and teeth. Sean Bean is half bee. Yep that’s right, Sean Bean is half bee. So he can’t lie, because bees can’t lie famously. And can recognise a Queen (hence how they find out the Mila Kunis is royalty, see it all makes sense really).

In terms of performances everyone involved is overacting like their lives depended on it, there are performances here that would look out of place in Flash Gordon there are so over to top (Redmayne I am looking at you). I think Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum did their best with what is some truly awful romantic dialogue (“I have more in common with a dog than with you”, “I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs”).

Overall, on paper this isn’t a good film. But I actually rather enjoyed it. It’s essentially a massive budget B-movie with some famous actors mixed in. And if you acknowledge this before viewing, I think you will have fun.

6/10

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