Transformers Franchise

The series of movies that made Michael Bay rich beyond belief, based on a popular children’s toy, comes the loudest, longest (10 hours and 13 minutes) and most downright stupid run of films yet known to man.

Transformers (2007)

Shia LaBeouf owns a car. Turns out it’s not a car it’s actually a transformer, there are baddy transformers and there are goody transformers. They all hit each other.

What this movie should be, is stupid honest fun, with plenty of nostalgia for people who grew up with the toys. Unfortunately this film only ticks one of the above boxes, no prizes for guessing which one. Negatives in this movie heavily outweigh positives, with horrendous product placement, poorly written dialogue and overly long and difficult to follow battle sequences. But really the biggest fault in the movie, is the atrocious direction of Michael Bay, who has no idea how to tell a cohesive story, leaving the film disinteresting and dull. Bay spends far too much time leering over Megan Fox, cleaning some sort of machinery. The cars here are shot like they are the stars of a porn film, and really the overall tone of the film is heavily pornographic, as if Bay is inviting us in on his very own fetish film, involving Chevrolets, Megan Fox and too many explosions.

In terms of positives, really it’s just nowhere near as bad or disgusting as the next three. So while I wouldn’t call it the best Transformers movie, it’s definitely the fourth worst.

2/10

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

They’re back! And this time it’s racist.

Right, let’s start off with what’s different here when compared to the first one. This time Megan Fox is cleaning a different vehicle. There is a new main baddie (The Fallen). And most importantly the introductions of Mudflap and Skids, the racist transformers.

Where in the first film it was just case of it being a really rubbish movie, Revenge of the Fallen shares all of those faults, but adds in a new dimension of being actually problematic. The camera pans up the body of Megan Fox even more uncomfortably this time, and now Bay has decided he wants to put a more comic angle on it. God help us. Bay’s idea of comedy is two stereotypical black robots complete with gold teeth, slang dialogue and buck teeth, who “don’t do much reading”. He also tries his hand at lowest common denominator toilet humour, and to be honest he can’t even do that right.

Overall, Revenge of the Fallen has descended past the mark of bad movie, into something wholly more sinister and really rather worrying.

0/10

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon (2011)

They’re back again! And this time, they brought a giant… worm?

What is new then? Megan Fox quit (good on her) and called Michael Bay Hitler, so now we have a different lady for the camera to objectify, and the inclusion of the most poorly written explanation for the change in girlfriends my ears have ever had to be put through. Also this time there is a new main baddy.

By this point we all know what to expect from a transformers movie. Product placement, explosions, misogyny, racism, worse than poor dialogue, explosions, pornographically shot cars, plot holes, lazy editing, explosions and comic “relief” more painful than the action sequences. It’s all here. So is it better than Revenge of the Fallen? Well, I guess so, I mean the worm thing if it was shot well might be cool.

1/10

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

You thought that they were only going to do a trilogy didn’t you? Well Michael Bay’s wallet had other ideas.

In terms of differences from the other movies. Really there are none. Other than every character is now played by a different actor. Mark Whalberg replaces Shia LaBeouf, Nicola Peltz replaces Megan Fox (or Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) and the numerous comic less comic relief characters have all been subbed.

How does this film compare in terms of quality? It’s just as racist, misogynist, poorly written, atrociously directed, unfunny, too loud and downright dull as the previous films. But this time, it’s even longer. Making this, probably the worst of all the transformers movies, so far.

0/10

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