Noah

From the advert, this film seemed like a silly yet fun retelling of a bible story, hopefully starring Ray Winstone as God. However what we get, is a hateful concoction of poor cgi, dull storytelling, and some downright horrid morality issues.

There is an awful lot wrong with this movie, and I’m not going to list all of it, instead we’re going to do a top 5 things that were awful about Noah!

5.) Dull.

To start the ball rolling, this film is not nearly as breathtaking as it promised, in fact I found myself in full control of my breathing during the duration of this 138 minute saga. The cgi is of level that watchers of BBC’s Doctor Who have come to expect, and the story telling, is just horribly boring. For a film set over such a long period of time, with so many events happening, very little actually happens. Being a dull film is no reason to hate however, but unfortunately for Aronofsky, it does give the viewer a chance to notice some of the other elements of a film.

4.) The Creator.

The Creator in this film is God. Why, I hear you ask, didn’t they just call him God? I can only imagine it was a decision made to create a sort of ‘get out of jail free’ card against the probable load of peeved Christians, annoyed that their favourite biblical tale had been turned into a, at times laughably, ridiculous (yet somehow horribly dull) mess of a movie. But really, if you are going to name your film after a biblical story, no matter what film you go on to create it is going to have to involve Christianity, so this attempt to distance the filmmakers from the original tale is rendered useless. He should have called it “Gladiator vs Bet365 on a boat” if he was worried about angry Christians.

3.) Unlikeable Characters.

We are all aware of an anti-hero, a protagonist who, while we still root for him, has flaws. I can only assume that was the intended direction for the character of Noah. But Noah’s character being unlikeable in itself isn’t the problem. The problem is that you end up rooting from the film’s antagonist Ray Winstone – A murderous, Rape promoting, misogynist cockney. And a film in which you would really rather like to see to main character drown or be stabbed, is never destined for greatness.

2.) Incest.

One of the messages I found myself taking from the viewing of this film, was that: the only good relationships are found within your own family. Now if the film was taking a stab at the incest insinuated in the bible (er, Adam and Eve’s children must have got off) that would be fine. But it doesn’t, instead it paints sleeping with your ten years younger sister as a positive relationship, in fact as the only fully positive relationship in the film. But that isn’t the worst of it [SPOILERS] there is one point in the movie in which we are taken on character’s storyline – Logan Lerman – in which we find out about his inner pains at not having a future wife. This on its own is not great, but the solution tops it all, as when Emma Watson gives birth to twins (both girls), it is said “we are saved” relating to the two free men in the family, that presumably would be married to these new twins . It’s almost as if, when making the film, hey decided to go on up on everything wrong with the Twilight franchise.

1.) Misogyny.

In this movie, women are presented in two ways: as people used for babies, or as people used for sex. This part of the film is really worrying, it’s where it slips into the Michael Bay territory of not just rubbish, but actually problematic. In fact throughout the film the message that you are only a man until you have had sex with a lady, is presented. Women in this film are merely tools.

Overall, I hated this movie, and it wasn’t one of those bad movies that had their hearts in the right place, and so you couldn’t really hate them, because it really seems to me that the heart of this film is black. And I hate it.

0/10

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